Forty-Eight

I am trying to make some wise decisions about leaving social media sites. Today, I deleted Twitter, which I never use, but I created it so that I could view Twitter posts when they are in the news. But that doesn’t happen enough to have an account for? I honestly am on the verge of deleting Facebook as well?? I went through and made it private, hid past posts and only kept a dozen family and friends. I deleted the facebook page that goes with this blog, as no one ever visits it, and I am honestly trying to decide if I want to keep the blog going? Again, no one interacts here, and I can only assume no one reads either??

But from the beginning I said this was a personal place for me, so I think I am going to be OK with it being just me and keep writing. I deleted the linked Instagram page, keeping just the original one, but making it private. I am feeling a need to head toward anonymity in the event that social media continues to turn the direction is is leaning.

As I diligently study the Word and prophecy, I have joined camps with those who cannot deny that we are living in the days before the rapture of the church. Biblical prophecy finds fulfillment almost daily, and I find that so exciting. I am reading some good books, listening to some good programs by theologians who have spent their lives working this stuff out. I pray for a discerning spirit so that I am not led astray.

I am becoming increasingly sad that the church I am a member of is not seeing the need to educate its people on what might be coming sooner-than-later. I see them carrying on as though nothing out of the ordinary is happening. I feel like that is a disservice to its people?? But, praise the Lord, there is so much online to be listen to: pastors preaching on the end times, churches hosting conferences to learn what the Bible says regarding the days we are living in. I am devouring it all.

There is a conference coming up in September called Behold He Comes, and, while it will be live, it will also be live-streamed. I have already signed up for the live-stream side. It is being held in Calvary Capel, Chino Hills; Jack Hibbs’ church. The line-up of speakers is amazing.

Personally, what does this mean? I have such a huge weight in my soul-the need to throw aside the sin that so easily entangles me and run a better race. When I am ushered into the Lord’s presence, I do not want to be covered in sin that I could have put off? My big sin continues to be the addiction that food has on me: overeating, bingeing, idolizing the eating itself, even of good-for-me food. I want to be found doing my best to love God by obeying Him when He returns.

I so know that God sees me through the blood of Jesus, clean and spotless, without these grave and besetting sins, but my heart is growing so weary of my inability to make any progress in overcoming.

Intermittent fasting works to the degree that I follow the program. But I felt like, once again, instead of eating correctly because I love the Lord above everything else, I am following man-made rules. So, I have been seeking out true hunger and trying to follow that leading, even if it is outside the shorter eating window. But it truly boils down to calorie counting. And I am often not able to keep track as I prefer; a good example of this came today: I had made a meaty casserole that works perfectly in a tortilla, but I did not figure out the calories or serving size when I made it. When I opted to have it for lunch today, my brain saw it as a ticket to overeat and pay no attention to anything ‘right’ for the rest of the day.

That is the attitude I need to figure out how to overcome? Or maybe not eating things I don’t know the calorie count of??

Ugh….

What I really want to do is wake up in the morning as a new me; a me that doesn’t toss aside all levels of sanity when it comes to food. I have spent a lot of brain power evaluating memories and knowing why I got here. It was decades of emotional upheaval and an unrecognized determination to be fat and ugly. It is what happens when great unhappiness motivates every day. And sometimes a little fear thrown in as well.

But it is never too late to change, right? It just gets incrementally harder with the passing of time. And as I get older, hard becomes harder?? Today I actually had the thought, “I have no desire to live a ton longer the way I currently am.” So true. I am about to send out that final child, so I can see my role diminishing and my desire to remain with it!!

I am not taking lightly the length of days God has written in my story. I will live each one to the fullest; but I no longer desire days for the benefit of days, only for the benefit of those who love me.

Until we meet again,

Debi

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