It is Day “Something” on the restart of my Rawsome Summer. I must admit to a great measure of relief once the decision was made to just begin again. And honestly, I will probably give up the counting. As I have said before, my intention is to continue on with no end in mind, but I kind of like the seasonal divisions as a visible reminder that time is passing either successfully, or not.
Why the start over? I know me fairly well, and Me was on the slippery slope that doesn’t have an end. And honestly, it is 100% GOD ALONE who turned me around and got me back to where I need to be. I had an honest to goodness showdown with Jesus, and He won.
There is so often that I am just unhappy with who God created me to be. But I know the fallacy of that attitude even as I type that. Maybe it is more realistic to say that I am unable to even find the Me that God created me to be. Sometimes I get close, tho.
And I am discovering that when the Me becomes most muddled is when I am not focused on Christ; when I am chasing after a dream I have, and that I have never really confirmed God’s approval of. I will tell you that I try. But I have a hard time hearing back from God. And I am thinking that holy silence is my indication to WAIT. But very often I move forward in my waiting, which is wrong. If I really care about what God thinks and agrees to, then I need to wait. And my history says I have not waited long enough in anything to really allow God to respond.
One time, not long ago, I wanted to hear from God on a specific sum of money that I should donate to a church capital campaign. It was the thing I prayed the hardest about for a period of a few weeks. And nothing. NOTHING. So I waited for few weeks, until the time to contribute to the campaign was ending. Instead of agreeing with God not to participate in the campaign ( is that what His silence was saying?), I signed on for an amount of money a month for three years. And while I kept every single payment of those 36 months, the “feeling” that I was accomplishing something only by the power of God was never there. And that is what I wanted. See, I had signed on for a “safe” amount of money; a lot, mind you, for my meager budget. And I did it because supporting my church and God’s work through that church is very important to me. But I often question why I never heard from God.
And I cannot help but wonder if the amount I was supposed to contribute was $0. But I cannot justify that in my mind? Why wouldn’t God want my donation? Does He sometime allow us to decide? But I wanted more than that. I wanted to be responsible for a larger amount that would mean God had to show up regularly to make ends meet?
And why in the world can I not see that God was allowing me to avoid a situation of hardship?? I think my attitude is wonky! In the long run, church was blessed with almost exactly the amount of money they needed, so my seemingly small amount counted! My church means everything to me!! And it should. Each of us who are sons and daughters of the King need to consider our Church of utmost importance!! And if you are a believer without a church home, FIND ONE!! Scripture commands it!
I took a big plunge today: I signed up for Hannah Brencher’s “The Summer Intensive Writing Program.” Just this morning I had a discussion with Jesus about this thought/desire/craving that wouldn’t leave my head regarding writing. It is there ALL THE TIME. I honestly have no finite thing to write, but when I am silent before God that is what I hear a lot: WRITE. So in my writing and waiting for greater insight, I am going to learn to write better. Those who know me well,know that I do not do anything that involves payment without a lot of prior thought. But today, I opened the email and read about the program and immediately signed up! When I was done, I was a bit shocked with myself, to be truthful?? But tomorrow I dig in. I have set aside a designated time each day for working through the program. I am psyched!! And if this is truly a step God had lined up for me, I can anticipate Satan doing what he can to keep me from that appointment with myself. So I have dusted off the armor and am ready!!
I cannot remember if I mentioned the possibility of a new job here, but I was hired today!! I am super excited! Same place of employment, but I am moving into the front office as an office assistant. It will be a few more weekly hours than now, which is good, but scheduled and somewhat regular hours. And entire days off, where I can NOT show up in that building that I love so much! Hahaha, as much as I love it, it will be nice to have some solid days home. To write!!
The reason that I am a strong asset is because I now am knowledgeable about so many different areas of the ministry. I am blessed that God allowed me to have that experience and I plan to bless others as a result. Working in an office is a HUGE change for me, for sure. I am taking some money out of savings to go clothes and shoe shopping. I am practicing my typing skills. And I am rejoicing in leaving my old job behind!! It was becoming physically more demanding then I was able to handle sometimes. It was not worth the coming-home-and-crying times.
As a result of a Lyme’s diagnosis a couple years ago, I have had to make some changes; I have had to take it a lot easier than I used to. There are good days and bad days. The bad days are related not only to what I do but also to what I eat. And I know it is also related to my obesity. Thus, I am encouraged in my soul to work on what I can.
Until the next time,