I wish there was some magic in the number 9. But, alas, there is not. I continue to sit in a state of floundering. I weighed in for the beginning of the month, and as I suspected, I had gained weight. This is how it always goes, and I feel totally powerless to prevent it from being the expected normal.
And maybe that is part of the problem: an expectation of failure. I am not sure how to overcome that, when every single day seems to feed it.
I am so tired of doing all the things I don’t want to do. There is no comfort at all in the fact that the Apostle Paul found himself in that same spot. While Romans 6, 7 and 8 are my favorite spots to camp out in Scripture because I can so relate to Paul in these chapters, I am at the point where the words meant to comfort are just causing frustration.
Rom 6:13 “Do not let any part of your body become an instrument of evil to serve sin. Instead, give yourself completely to God.”
Rom 6: 16 “Don’t you realize that you become the slave of whatever you choose to obey? You can be a slave to sin, which leads to death, or you can choose to obey God, which leads to life.”
Rom 6: 15-25(random verses) “I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate. I want to do what is right, but I can’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway. Oh what a terrible person I am.
Rom 8;2 “And because you belong to him, the power of the life-giving spirit has freed you from the power of sin that leads to death. “
Rom 8:3b “God declared an end to sin’s control over us by giving his son as a sacrifice for our sins.
Rom 8:5 “Those who are dominated by the sinful nature think about sinful things, but those who are controlled by the Holy Spirit think about things that please the Spirit.”
I could go on and on and on. My mind is focused on the bold text lately, but I am meant to focus on the good side of all the “if”-“then” scenarios.
But I think about sinful things ALL DAY sometimes. I wake up and thoughts of food have already started. And the fact that I try to make those thoughts realities every day shows me that food is on the throne of my life. Again. I probably dethrone it numerous times a day, but then I give it a little room or give in to its demands, and it hopes right back up there.
I googled weight loss blogs this afternoon and was super discouraged at what I found. Hundreds of blog titles, with the vast majority having no posts since the end of January. They started out with great stamina on January 1, and died before the end of the month. I cannot be that person. I cannot give up. I cannot end 2019 the way I began 2019. Or worse.
But I am not making forward progress on the scale. And while I know that it cannot be all about the number on the scale, I am making backward progress.
I think the biggest thing that happens when I am going in the wrong direction is a horrible self hatred. And once that embeds itself in my psyche, Satan uses it to cause such destruction.
BUT GOD. And more specifically, BUT LENT. I am totally aware that the calendar I use is in no way ordained by God, but I think it is so very cool that for me Lent is rolling around when I so desperately need a reset, a refocus.
As I have been listening extra quietly to God in an effort to determine a Lent plan, I am starting to realize that maybe God is not horribly concerned with what I fast from, or how I go about doing it in the nitty gritty details of the my days. What he cares about is the heart attitude that lies behind it all. I want to do hard for Lent because Christ did hard for me. My fear is that of failure, since I am so good at failure? But God never asks nor expects perfection of us. He asks for a heart that is sold out to doing the best we can to bring glory to His name.
The fear and shame associated with what I consider failure is on me, not on God. He is big, and that sort of thing is just above him. I have to choose to rise above fear and shame as well, rise up to God’s level. Anyone else know all the right things to do but find yourself unable to do them? I am tired of finding excuses for my disobedient behavior.
So for March, Lent will be the focus. Before Wednesday wake-up, I will know what I am doing. Don’t laugh; I have so LAST MINUTE tendencies!! But, hey, I got my taxes done this past weekend!!! Be proud!! My goal/boundary said it had to be done by March 31st. I blew that one out of the water, right??
Lent is a countdown to empty: an empty cross, an empty tomb, and emptied of myself. Easter provides the subsequent filling of all things empty by presenting all who believe with a resurrected Savior. So the 40 days of Lent are pointing toward an emptiness that will make room for an Easter morning filling, and a moving forward from there with renewal and joy.
Relentless. Relentless. The idea of Lent tucked away nicely in the word that means unyielding, uncompromising, determined, unbending. So the 40 days of Lent need to be set within boundaries of determination – to do what is unyielding, unbending and without compromise in the things leading to an emptiness that Christ can fill with Himself in the greatest of ways.
A new budget month has started and I am trying out an app just for grocery money. That is the only area I have a hard time keep up with. With the app I can add the receipt amount right after I finish shopping. It was free, so it is worth a try for a few months. My grocery budget includes eating out and nonfood items that are part of my normal grocery shopping (toilet paper, etc).
My Misfit Market box got me to cook collard greens the other day. Not too bad. I might not choose to buy them and make them a normal part of my meals, but without the box I might not have tried them.
At the start of each month, I evaluate habits and practices for their functionality. It is hard for me to let go of things, but sometimes it is super necessary, for the sake of sanity, minimalism and a better me! So Power Sheets have to go. They were designed to benefit me, but they are not. They did back in the beginning. The Sheets helped me to set the goals I did for 2019, and for that, they might have been worth the price. But I know that I won’t purchase them again.
It hurts to admit things don’t work. I don’t know why? I think I try everything under the sun because I am always looking for that fix that will work for me. Ah, the need to be emptied is great, right?