This page has been calling my name all week, and I have been pushing back. It has been one of THOSE weeks, where everything you used to be sure of is waffling and a million questions beg to be answered. I honestly do not feel settled at all, nor do I feel like writing, but sometimes it centers my brain and allows resolution to occur. More than anything I need to wrestle with it from God’s perspective and not man’s.
It is so often easy for me to clearly see God’s hand in situations others face, but I am not so good when it comes to my own. And honestly, I need to learn to just BE QUIET, even when people are asking for my opinion?? For some reason that never works well.
Rawsome Summer. I have really begun to anguish over the whole thing. I am 100% failing at conquering my food addictions and progressing to a Reclaimed Temple. I wanted the end of 2018 to be a WOW, a place to look back at successes. Not happening; and I have lost hope that it will? I wish I was not in that spot, but I fear I am. Not ONE DAY goes by where I go to bed and think, “Wow, good day for eating.” Everyday goes perfectly until mid afternoon. And I do not even know how to overcome the hot mess that spills into my day at that point. I eat when not hungry. I eat what I am totally opposed to eating. It’s like someone new inhabits my body, and they take over my brain.
So I am tired of planning my days. I am tired of evaluating things. I am tired of trying and failing. I cannot even give an appropriate understanding of all that is me.
And of course the frustration and mental “giving up” just makes it worse, if it can get any worse.
And here is what happens. And I know it is such a Satan ploy. When I have lost all sense of reality and right and wrong and “thinking”, something big crashes through into the mess that is not related but makes life so much worse. Welcome to my week.
It has been a week of wallowing for the most part. A week of reaching into God but not really sensing much but His silence. Not a silence that says, “I am ignoring you.” But a silence that says, “I am going to wait for you to calm down, and then we will work together to make sense of it all.”
So I have waited. I feel no less settled, but I do believe God is at work. And it might be that it will nosedive before it levels out again. My soul is sort of feeling like I am in need of preparing for that? I think God is showing me that life is going to require me to hone my people skills, for one thing, because people are getting on my last nerve! Haha, I have this phrase I say that I 100% mean, but people always laugh as if it’s a joke: “I could be the best Christian ever if it weren’t for people.” And it is so true.
I wish I had some people in my life that were at least a little like me?? I have some people that I enjoy spending time with, but they are nothing like me at all. And at the end of the day, when I crave someone to talk with and get advice from? No one.
And every day I want someone to come alongside and help me with my eating issues, but there is no one. In fact, more often than not, folks come to me to lament their poor eating? I have a philosophy about that; if you lament to the fat person, somehow it allows you to realize you are not as bad off as you could be?
OK. So lets talk food and diet and addiction and failure and regrouping and finding focus and exercise and obedience. Sigh, and many other words that just want to spewing out. I know myself so well, and I know this spot of frustration and hopelessness is not a place that will foster any productivity. If you live in hopelessness you lose perspective.
So how to begin a positive climb upward? Every time I put my foot down and say, “I will…” invariably I don’t/can’t. I question protein. I wonder about intermediate fasting. Why can’t I just eat? Or not?
I truly believe that I need a helping hand, but I do not have anyone to ask, no one who has the knowledge I need them to have. No one who has the personality to push me in a way that will help not hinder. I envy those who have spouses to do this with? I have been blessed with just enough money to live on if I am careful. Extra is not available so I have to trust God to guide me in a way that I can afford and a way that I will obey. I am still searching for both of those.
When I am in this place I am sitting, my world becomes one of judgment. I assume everyone is judging me and then I turn around and judge others. Neither is right, and the first may be fabricated. But I have a vivid imagination that won’t let that idea go. I start to avoid new people out of fear. I begin to wonder why God isn’t giving me the skill set to overcome.
I know when you sit in a pit of despair, it is a great arena for teaching by God. The challenge is not embracing the pit as a place of refuge. Because really, I could imagine staying here…staying fat and unhealthy and stuck in additive behavior. What would be missing is any kind of witness for Jesus!! And really, I have this idea that says, “Fat people cannot be a proper witness for the Lord.” But I am learning that while FAT is such a visible indication of sin, so many people who look all perfect on the outside deal with equally massive sin, but it is invisible. So while those with hidden sins are no less a proper witness, they get away with it because they look the part. Stinking thinking, I know, but this is the Me I am right now.
Sometimes I pray for invisible sin, not visible. I want to hide my disobedience, not flaunt it for the world to see.
I am the fat person at church.
I am the fat person at work.
I am the fat person in the family.
And yet, no one tries harder to overcome…
And I might also say that no one fails more often than me.
But I WILL NOT GIVE UP. For some people falling so often and so far is a cause for giving up, but I know that there is a way to figure this out. But I have to stay away from looking at it as a personal challenge to beat. Because I KNOW that I am totally incapable. I seem to find myself in the same spot at the end of most failed days – looking for that way to move myself out of the way so that God’s Spirit can take over and make me able.
It is my only hope. But it is a great hope.
Hope materializes in butterflies. I don’t know why. But I see them and my mind things of restoration, made new, transformation, and so much more. So butterflies equal hope and when I feel hopeless, I seem to encounter them? It’s a God thing!