The last few days have been a bit….looking in a thesaurus for a word that can possibly sum up the last days…
No, wait: wearying. That’s it. I have spent many days in a weary state. Mind and body.
First, let me say that the Master Cleanse I started is gonna restart. Relationships won out, and rightfully so. So I realized last night that I am home alone for a week starting this weekend. So I am putting it on hold and will begin with Day One on repeat this weekend. In the meantime, I have a few days to eat up fruit that I have.
I have this habit (good, I think) of wrestling with God when I need answers, and whether or not God works things out as I imagine they should be-well, that is never the issue. The issue is me accepting the manner in which God works things out, no matter how that looks. And I feel like I am getting better and better at that with every trial. Praise the Lord, as it is Him not me, for sure.
I was struck last night as I gave in to such raw and deep emotion before the Lord that every situation He allows in my life has to be met with a blank slate initially. By that I mean that if I come at a situation initially with presupposed ideas and plans, often I can create chaos unnecessarily right out of the gate. God is teaching me that everything He allows has to be evaluated on its own merit before any “tried and tested” remedies are brought into play.
And that is what the recent wrestling showed me once again. I was trying to handle something based on the character/personality I had once known someone to possess. But people change, and sometimes they change hourly. So the hard and fast rule for me has become RELATIONSHIP over being right.
I had to give in to something I knew to be so wrong in order to repair and preserve a relationship. Let me quickly say that I am not talking Biblically wrong, because that is never a choice to be made. But “this is the way I know to do this because I know it works” wrong. Stepping away from a self-proven area of “this works best” to allow someone else to do things they were battling to do. And the choice was a touch shameful for me. That created a very uncomfortable “ouch” for me to accept and take on.
And I did. And I may never hear anything positive or negative in return. And that is OK. I can rest in the fact that I did the right thing for that situation. And there could be consequences and repercussions in the long run, and I may even have to endure more verbal abuse, but I will continue to rest in the fact that I chose best at the time for the circumstances.
Rawsome Summer 2018 is more than half over and to me, it is ramping up to be an epic fail. Because success for me is only exhibited on the scale. So I have stepped back and tried to look at it from an obedience standpoint. And the trial that has been swirling the last while might have been there specifically to show me that my obedience has gotten MUCH BETTER. Boy, did I praise Jesus over that!!
I have learned to say YES to what God asks; maybe not immediately as I am aiming to do, but a lot faster than I used to. And with a lot less arguing.
I have learned to KNOW that God’s way is best. The trial over the last days is probably not totally over, but it has settled to the point of seeing an end that is acceptable. And this time, it was the end I felt like I could so clearly see as the only good way to proceed. And that was probably a God thing. Often He gives me such a heart dislike for things not of Him. But because this whole situation was not just about me, it was a matter of convincing someone else to see God’s way. And I knew that couldn’t be my doing.
I left that entirely up to the Lord. I made it a fervent matter of prayer. I considered asking others to pray with me, but I felt convicted to just keep it within myself.
One thing I determined this time around that I have never been able to draw a line in the sand over is NOT TO GIVE IN TO DOUBT. No matter how often Satan whispered into my soul to DOUBT that God would work out His best, I trusted.
James reminds me to “believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive ANYTHING from the Lord.” ( James 1:6-7)
When today progressed and I slowly realized the amazing work that God had done, I almost couldn’t handle it. God gave me a vision for His best, allowed it to seem like this would never come about, and then brought it about with an ease that only God can create. I will feel totally awestruck for months to come. And a whisper just this evening has revealed the start of a possibility that this plan may have begun over a year ago. And when I think back a year and start to fit puzzle pieces together, it is almost scary to see how I willingly was a pawn in a grand design for someone else’s best life.
Time will tell, but I will NOT DOUBT.
Consecrated weakness. That is the name of the game of this life. An ability to offer up to Christ the utter inability I have to do much of anything. But in Christ my weakness is made holy. It is set apart in service to Him alone. So often the reclaiming of my weakness by His strength is so obvious. But sometimes it is not. For reasons that I do not understand, my ability to overcome the sin of gluttony eludes me. And I am fairly certain it has to do with the false idea I have that it is my job to “do the doing.” I am not yet sure how to overcome that, but I will continue to persevere.
I am reminded of that verse in James 5 where James says, “You have heard of Job’s perseverance, and have seen what the Lord finally brought about; the Lord is full of compassion and mercy.” (verse 11). And since the Lord is the same Lord today as He was when He dealt lovingly with Job, I am expecting the same. I will stay before the Lord with all my questions and suppositions until I get to the place of victory as He sees victory.