Choose: Jesus or Skinny

Adjectives that start with S.

Serene

Scintillating

Sedentary

Sagacious

Looking for a way to refer to the kind of Saturday I like best. Today is overcast and drizzly.  The temp is cooler; AC off, windows open a crack to prevent the rain from coming in.

AND NO WORK until this evening; and then, easy work, and short.

I have discovered that God meets with me more vividly on this kind of day. Maybe because most distractions are suppressed and the house is empty.  Cats are cuddled in my room with me.

I reorganized my desk area this week, so my once happy place is even happier now.  I put things in places where they make the most sense to me.  It wasn’t that way before.

So on this Serene Saturday, I made pumpkin muffins early; gluten free, dairy free and FODMAP friendly. For Little Lovely, who is feeling like she is unable to eat much that is yummy.They are actually super good!

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Once that task was done, I sat for an online seminar on being more savvy on Instagram. While the webinar was intended to be positive and encouraging, I finished it in tears.  It left me feeling so unsuccessful?

See, I have confirmed God’s call and every single day I try to fulfill God’s call, with no real success, at least in my eyes.

But I know that success in God’s eyes in no way looks like success in my eyes.  Mine is temporal and earthly. His is so other-worldly and eternal.  And mine is exhausting.  Striving and not attaining is sheer exhaustion-overload.

Here’s the thing.  What if God is actually PREVENTING me from losing weight? Because He wants to be in charge and call the shots, and I am not doing that? In all honestly, I DO NOT KNOW HOW. I want someone to come alongside and teach me how.

But God has given me the Holy Spirit to be that come-alongsider.  And so often I quench the spirit in my life (I Thessalonians 5:19, KJV) by ignoring him over and over and over.  The NIV calls it “putting out the spirit’s fire.” Every time His Spirit beckons to me and I do not even acknowledge that He is speaking, I slowly put out his fire. And my constant fear is that I have totally extinguished him.

And I might have. BUT GOD.

And so I trust.  And I dig deeper roots. And WAIT is the name of this current game.  Because the answer is in God’s word or through His voice in my soul. And at the right time, I will hear it or read it or figure it out through his Spirit.

But I have to be content to wait until then. Wait. Not sit idle.

There are two prayers that I pray to God: to be  100+  pounds lighter (and, as soon as possible). AND to be 100% sold out to Him.  Which do I pray with a greater fervor? I am ashamed to say it is most likely the one for (immediate) weight loss. That is of greater importance to me than my sold-out-ness to Jesus.

AND, another thing.  God has been gently revealing pieces of this to me lately.  I absolutely hate myself.  Hate sounds so harsh when I say it in that sentence. And it isn’t hate like I avoid caring for myself.  It is hate like I-cannot-believe-am-doing-that-again. The loathing you feel when someone does the same stupid thing for the 4ooth time. That is how I feel toward myself.

I am done talking to myself reasonably. So I ignore myself and pretend I am fine.

Do you do that?

Weight rules my life. Not Jesus.

Sigh.

I believe that being thin will change my life.  But only Jesus can change my life.

And, after all He is the SAME JESUS that did miracle after miracle. So the idea is not that He isn’t capable.

And Scripture gives a clear command to be sure of your position in Him.  And that position is not one that allows any room for self-hatred. I have to see myself as God sees me: beloved and important. I was created with a job to do here on this earth and my refusal to participate in so much of what is offered to me is affecting that job. As so many of us that are horribly overweight know, life passes by in many arenas because…well, just because.

I am hereby no longer praying for weight loss.  I am putting Christ first. My prayers will be for a 100% sold out heart for Jesus.  And then, when Jesus sees fit to miraculously remove my addiction toward food and give me the ability to be a right eater, I will be in the habit of serving Him wholeheartedly out of love and not out of a desire to receive.

My brain isn’t focusing anymore for now, so more later!

Debi

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