Crash and Burn

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Today has been one of “those” days.  And actually, I was feeling good that it had not occurred before now.  Maybe I let my guard down?  Maybe it is just time, as a lesson needs learned?

First of all, I did the whole scale thing, which I had told myself not to do. I feel like I have been working harder than ever and not having “crash and burns” and making wise decisions and thinking through food choices.  So I guess I really expected to have seen changes by now.  In something?  But so far, nothing. And on the scale, nothing as well.  That upset me a lot, but it shouldn’t have? I have gotten this crazy list in my head of what I should be able to expect? I think? And weight loss was at the top of my list. And now I have to face the fact that I must be (am) overeating. And my choices are just not as good as they need to be.

Today, I am feeling like I will never be not fat.  I am feeling  incapable of reigning in the me that I have become.   I am so sad about that.  Why doesn’t that sadness make me change? Why doesn’t the anger give me enough confidence to talk down the bad decisions that shout at me all the time?

So I am mad at myself. I am frustrated with life in general. But I know I cannot stay here.  I know that I DO have the ability.  Because the Holy Spirit in me is my guarantee of that power.  So how can I so easily ignore the Spirit’s prompting in my heart and mind? Afterwards, that question always comes to mind.

And then I am reminded that it is about obedience.  And I think that is where I am failing the most. Because I still forget that I cannot do it on my own with my own agenda and set of plans. That is my default mode, for sure.

It is a lack of trust.

It is a pride thing.

It is a level of unbelief.

So every day is a new day where His mercies renew in abundance (Leviticus 3:22-23).  And if I confess my sins, He is faithful and just to forgive my sins and purify me from all unrighteousness (I John 1:9).  And I know all that. I will wake up tomorrow with a renewed effort.

But I am a little tired of the routine. The feeling of incessant “lack” that circles around. I truly want to wake up in the morning and eat right all day. Eat enough but not too much.  Eat God-created food in the form that God created it to be eaten.

Sigh.

But God wants me to seek Him, and seek Him I will!! I am CRAVING a word from Him.  I want so badly for that affirmation, but until I have cleaned up the sin, a barrier will exist that is pretty significant.  And, I believe we are back at obedience, right??

On a positive note I have not bought anything except groceries since the shopping ban started.  Why is it easier to not shop than to eat correctly?

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And I got a copy of The Artist’s Way!!!  Not just the book but a trio of books: The Artist’s Way, The Artist’s Way Workbook and The Morning pages Journal.  I heard about them on a blog post or an Instagram Feed; and then someone I know asked me if I wanted this set of books she had gotten as a gift and wasn’t interested in. And it was The Artist’s Way set. WOW.  Now, all I want to do is crack them open and start reading.

I am back at that point of desperately feeling as if I need more time at home to do this stack of things I want to do?  But is that what God is asking me to do? That is currently what is laying out there in front of me for God to tell me about.  I sense that the delve into the Shopping Ban that I felt excited to do might be one of the things I will have as a discernment tool? I think I am waiting for an unexpected “work from home” kind of thing to just appear? Or some surety of one direction or another?  I come home from work EVERY SINGLE DAY and am sore and unable to do much of anything.  But my character says, “Persevere.”  People with chronic illnesses just have to do that, right.  But I have no doubt that there is a better work that I could be doing than the manual labor I currently do?

So I need to just end this rant.  I feel like that is what it is, but I need to get it on paper, so to speak.  I am a visual processor and until it is out of my head, it circles around and doesn’t make as much sense as I need it to.

I sure hope there are others in the world like me. There is comfort in not being weird alone, right?

 

Debi

 

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