I believe one of the first things to leave once you “realize”you are fat is your feeling of worth. It is a weird thing, really. I spent more years than I can count being fat, but until I came to the realization that my fat was a sin, it was almost as if I didn’t know it was there? Once I saw myself as a fat person, my feelings of worth were gone. It was like I was an embarrassment to Jesus, who did not create me to be like this??
I can see that so clearly as an act of Satan, now that I have deeper roots in Christ, but it still trips me up, and lately, daily. And today, as I evaluated myself at the bottom of another crash and burn heap, I begged God to remain there with me until I could understand why? And now I trust his faithfulness.
See, I know all the catchphrases. I know tons of Scripture that can be recited at the point of temptation. I know how important it is to pray at the start of the day for God’s guidance and strength. But when temptation is all around me, I do not seem to be able to do what is right.
I know I have the strength, because God’s spirit gives it to me. But the long unanswered question for me continues to be, “How do I access that power and might when I am in the midst of trials and temptations??” It honestly does not help to “know” what I know when I have no idea how to use what I know?
I have been praying a lot lately about the idea of meeting regularly with a very small group of women as a means of accountability. But there is no one I know that I feel close enough to to do that with? It takes a lot for me to be a sharer, and I know that comes from past experiences. Sharing life with another human being ended in disaster for me, and I do believe it is where my self-esteem issues began. And maybe rightfully so, in God’s point of view, because it was at that point that my roots began to sink deep and my eyes began to clearly see what God really wanted from me as His child. Without the sorrows that trailed behind a lost relationship, I might never have gotten to this point.
I know I still have very limited feelings of self-worth, yet I am positive that I am worth so much to God. I am worth the life of His son, and to overlook that seems to make the sacrifice of his life pretty worthless. And I do not want to do that at all!! I believe my crash and burn moments/days are going to end up seeming like a gift from the Creator’s hands, because I am seeing that it is those days that drive me to such deep and agonized prayer. In the moment, and even in the season, I am not able to see them that way, but knowing that nothing happens in my day that wasn’t designed by God to bring me to a place of singing His praises comforts me. It means that I cannot give up. It means that I cannot sit back and allow myself to eat unrestrained. It means that until the day I draw my final breath, this must be my place in life. If I become an overcomer, then I will be blessed with the added pleasure of helping others through the same battle. It will be my responsibility as God’s daughter.
A new day is going to circle around. God’s mercies will be abundant as the new day dawns. I will wake up and spend time in prayer over my day and my worth and my abilities to talk down the evil one and do what is right and good. I will beg God for victory in my eating, but only time will tell if that comes about. Today, I ate a good, late breakfast and headed to work with snacks packed. I did everything I believed was right. Yet, when I left work I stopped for food and spent the rest of the day so sorrowful. I have not yet discovered what can shout down the dialogue in my head that convinces me (with lies) that it will be just fine. But I will persevere:
“Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial , because when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.” (James 1:12)
I WANT to be blessed by God. Oh, my goodness, is that not the most glorious idea!! So I press on. For now I walk forward acting in the knowledge that I have worth. I am not sure I believe it entirely in a rubber-meets-the-road way, but I believe it is a head way. And a heart and soul way. And I trust God to bring the rest about in His good timing.
Little Lovely sent me this song today and it goes so well with this post. Use it to gain assurance of your worth!!