It is hard to imagine but after so much disobedience and bingeing, I weighed in at the same weight I was the last time, which I think was two weeks ago. My soul is so out of control, and I cannot determine why. I think I am in my striving mode again? It is so easy for me to go in that direction. WHY?? I want to just say, “I have been there and done that, and my plan didn’t work.” That is what Michael Brown stated in Breaking the Stronghold of Food. For me, that is laughable. But he also talks about knowing that he “was being supernaturally empowered.” That is where I want to get, that place of knowing.
Michael and Nancy Brown co-author the book I mentioned above, and I know for sure I am so much more like Nancy than Michael.
Nancy wrote that, for her, she could “strangely lose all remembrance of the misery I feel being overweight. It’s a strange thing, the power of food addiction to wipe out memory. To stand strong in the face of temptation, I needed a reminder, something in my own words that could convey all the emotions connected to being overweight and snap me back to reality, because for some reason none of that exists when that <blank> is calling my name.”
So she made a reminder for herself, a list of all the ways being fat has hindered her life, all the things it prevented her from doing. Her list included accompanying emotions. She calls it a many-tentacle list. Sobering, Unpleasant to read. Will I pull it out and read it? That’s the big question.
And then: THIS. VERSE. Talk about getting hit hard. This made me cry:
For if, after they have escaped the defilements of the world through the knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, they are again entangled in them and overcome, the last state has become worse for them than the first. For it would have been better for them to never have known the way of righteousness than, after knowing it, to turn back from the holy commandment delivered to them. What the true proverb says has happened to them: The dog returns to its own vomit, and the sow, after washing herself, returns to wallow in the mire.
Oh. My. Goodness. This. Is. Me.
How sad that it is better that I never knew the way of righteousness. Is that because it eliminates the guilt and shame if we never knew it?? Or is it more like trampling on Jesus and His sacrifice to free me from this CRAP I am entangled in.
So I sat and sobbed through my list making process.
Because I am FAT I…
- am limited in what I can do with my tiny grandson.
- am consumed with food thoughts 24/7.
- am in so much day-to-day pain that it is scary.
- would honestly not mind an early move to heaven.
- deteriorate my relationship with Christ every day
- eat when I am not even hungry (how do you even tell).
- think nonstop about how unhealthy I am.
- am super-duper self-conscious and HATE attention.
- won’t sing in choir, cuz they go up front.
- am sure that my children are embarrassed by me
- hate myself most of the time.
- sit a lot.
- don’t exercise. BUT I NEED TO START.
There’s the list I worked on earlier, and honestly I could go on. If I changed the beginning of the sentence to say, “Because I have no self-control…” the list would be endless.
So, I never wanted this blog to be about failure after failure. I thought blogging would be the impetus i needed to succeed, but obviously it is not.
But because I still am sure that God is going to redeem this mess, I will continue on. Every morning, I will get up with a positive attitude and great goals in mind, and aim high. And one day, I expect a light bulb to go on that will be my supernatural empowerment moment and I will be amazed. Haha, you will be too, I am sure.
For now, here are some quotes I hold onto in the book, The Broken Way, but Ann Voskamp:
Who doesn’t know what it is like to smile thinly and say you’re fine when you’re not, when you are almost faint with pain.
There is no remission of sins or the crossing of finish lines without things getting downright bloody.
What do you do if you are struggling to remember who you really are?
There’s absolutely no tidy pattern as to who gets pain and who gets peace. This is the deal: guaranteed suffering. We all get it. It is coming. It is unstoppable, like time.
Brokenness…makes a canvas for God’s light.
Brokenness happens in a soul so the power of God can happen in a soul.
Let Him do with me whatever He wants for as long as He wants if my darkness is light to some soul.
Maybe our hearts are meant to be broken. Broken open. Broken free. Maybe the deepest wounds birth deepest wisdom.
Our weakness is a container for God’s glory.
When we know Christ, we always know how things are going to go – always for our good and for His glory.
What matters in life is not what happens to you but what you remember and how you remember it (Gabriel Garcia Marquez).