Convince Me

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Convince me that one day soon I am gonna get the hang of eating when I am hungry.

Convince me that I am gonna figure out how to put the Lord above food.

Convince me that I am not going to give up?  I truly fear that, and I talk myself out of it almost daily?

Convince me that by the time I turn 60 I will weigh what I should.  That is my one-and-only long term goal.  And it isn’t even that long term.  I have 18 months.

Man, I cannot believe I am that close to 60.  Even saying that number makes me sort of have a stomach ache! It was not that long ago that I thought 6o was like minutes away from dying because you were so old…

And what is often impossible at 58 seems like it will just so far out of reach at 60 that it won’t be worth striving for??

I need a change in my thinking for sure, but I just do not know how to do it?

I don’t need convinced that God loves me immensely.

I don’t need convinced that I CAN do all things through Christ. I need convinced that one day (soon) I WILL.

Getting too hungry.  This is what sneaks up on me ALL THE TIME. And I have not yet come up with the action that will prevent it.  I do so well at ignoring food altogether.  I should be proud, right??

NO, cuz all of a sudden my brain goes to food, and it is literally like a movie in fast forward, scrolling through all the possible food choices in the world.  Or at least in the little county I live in? It is impossible to describe what that looks like for real, feels like for real.  It is like there are two voices in my head.  Sort of like a voice for good and a voice for evil.  And their running argumentative dialogue causes me to sin every time.

Why can’t their running dialogue cause me to choose righteousness; why does evil always win out?

I memorize verses to recite when I am tempted.  Doesn’t work.  When the hard comes, I NEVER think to do any of the things I plan for: verses, praying; Scripture reading; shouting down Satan.  I know, when food temptations are not staring me down, that there is a way, that Jesus has given me strength.  But when it comes to taking the first step toward a right choice, I fail every time.

I am kind of tired of the idea, “Tomorrow is a new day.”

“Starting over tomorrow.”

I crashed today, but tomorrow I will conquer it.”

God says His mercies are new every single morning:

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases.His mercies come never come to an end; they are new every morning.  GREAT IS HIS FAITHFULNESS.  (Lamentations 3:22-23)

Every single time I wake up in the morning the basket of mercies is refilled for the day.  What exactly is mercy?

Dictionary.com defines mercy as follows:                                             1. compassionate or kindly forbearance toward an offender.          2. the discretionary power of a judge to pardon someone               3. an act of kindness or favor                                                                  4. blessing; evidence of divine favor

So every new day, God will, once again pardon my multitudinous sins.  He will, once again, look on me with favor and kindness.  He will, once again, show me evidence of his divine favor.

He will bless me.

I want so badly to be worthy of this?  And yes, I know I am worthy in Christ at a salvation level, but I want to stop repeating the same sins over and over. I want to make God smile over me and be proud of me like a daddy is proud of his daughter.

I have this dream that I will one day look at myself in the mirror and not be ashamed?? I NEED to get to that point??  I am, however seriously out of ideas for what to do next?

My 3o days of eating 10 things is actually going well.  I love not having too many choices.  That works for me.  But before the days are over, I need to figure out exactly how to eat.  I think I have said this before but it is kind of embarrassing to be an adult and not know how to eat??

Do I count calories?  I cannot see a way not to??

Do I remain hardcore vegan?  Do I try to go even more raw?  I know that I do not want to eat dairy.  Why can I not totally dislike the things that I don’t think are good for a body to eat??

So to my credit, I have now gone 47 days without sugar!!  Do I crave it still?  Every so often, but God has shown me that if you can go without for long enough, you really do lose your desire for it.  But it still has to be a mind over matter thing all the time.

Why can’t I get that same intentional determination toward ALL food….

 

Debi

 

 

 

 

 

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2 Comments Add yours

  1. Diane says:

    Sister he plugs into our greatest weakness. You are His and your basket is never empty. I am learning to turn my mind not to the waves but like look only at him. The size of the wave has no consequence to him. He is the author and perfector of your faith, oddly your weakness. Do not look at your weakness look at your beautiful faith that shines so brightly in your writing. You are so hard on your “sin” but it is no sin. 2 Cor 12:9-10. Col 2:6-8. This verse goes with the song Oceans. Do not be lead off by his whispers like a slave. Ask maybe that God help you pick out his voice and recognize the lies. You are a sheep listen only to His voice sister His voice is kind and loving peaceful and builds up not destroys. Holy Spirit enter in and help her see her beauty. Help her see herself how you see her.

    Like

    1. Debi says:

      Oh Diane, every word of that is so true!!!

      Like

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