I know I just posted yesterday, kind of a rambling mess, but today was just a bad day. And I need to get some of the thoughts down in order to make them fall into line. It was an entire day of having absolutely no ability to control my thoughts, my appetite, my ANYTHING. Oh my goodness.
Days like this one seem SO BIG, when I know they are not, I know in perspective they are tiny. But they overwhelm me and get my brain running amuck. It has been a sad day, feeling a bit lonely and bored. So I should have battened down the hatches and done the things that I know are able to refocus my head in the right place, but I didn’t. I ate stuff I SHOULD NOT HAVE EATEN. And I did it on purpose. Intentionally.
I am trying to see a connection between the sadness and boredom and the eating? I have a tendency toward that loneliness; I am a single mom and all my kids are adults, the youngest being in her first year of college. So the aloneness is a new thing. And on most days I am so content with things that I find to do?
But lately, not so much.
I think it is a spiritual battle. God has equipped me with everything I need for life and godliness. It is a matter of using all that “everything” and not taking the option of mindlessness. Instead of feeling empowered by the Holy Spirit of God, I caved, and made choices that were BAD for me.
Worse than a bad choice, however, I sunk back into that spot of self-hatred. I don’t like this spot, but I also feel comfortable there. I am used to the self who doesn’t toe the line. I am used to not liking that self. But I also know that is not where God wants me to be.
So tomorrow is gonna be a better day. I am grocery shopping for menu foods that I can have on hand to fix. I have picked out some recipes to make.
I am going to bed early. I am getting up early. Well, I always get up early, but I have to be at work earlier than usual on Thursdays, so I guess what I mean is that I am heading out early.
Ya know, I wanted to believe that a streak of good days and consistent weight loss meant that bad days were gone, but that is some pretty stinkin’ thinkin’ as my friend likes to say. Good days just get Satans’s ire up and cause him to try harder and harder to make us crash and burn. Not gonna let that happen…